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Rakeville Times Sports Page
By STAFF / Rakeville Times
He’s So Handsome
By Aviator McShadeless
The mounting problems in the Rockets front office may have gotten worse today, as Owner Dave Claffey announce Rich “El Guapo” Garces and Tom Brunasky will replace Theo Epstein as assistant general managers.
“We decided to bring both in because neither had experience,” said Claffey. “Two working together can gain experience in double the time.”
The move is expected to be the third utter failure in an off-season that has seen one replacement GM, the Rookie of the Year and a trade to Weymouth evaporate into turmoil.
“If Claffey or Reed has a plan, they haven’t shown it yet,” said Aviator McShadeless, in an interview with himself. “And Barry Bonds is a loser.”
For all their faults, Minor League Director Rusty Greer thinks the new additions are good for the franchise.
“Rich speaks excellent Spanish, and could be a real plus when negotiating with Latin American players,” he said. “It is easy to underestimate how relaxing it is to speak in your native language while negotiating.”
Greer, the only official worth a damn in Rakeville, couldn’t figure out what role Brunasky would play.
In other news, former Rockets second baseman Jose Castillo returned to Rakeville Tuesday to finalize the selling of his mini-golf course. The Putt-o-Wild on Greenbrow Street is to be sold to Minnesota Vikings quarterback Dante Culpepper.
A frequent patron of Putt-o-Wild, Scott Baker was sad to find out Culpepper’s plan to change hole six into a horned Viking helmet, replacing the frog tongue ramp.
“I once got four holes-in-one in a row on that hole,” said Baker. “It will take me weeks to figure out this new one.
Trade rumors are swirling around Vernon Wells, the resurgent outfielder who became a much needed offensive weapon for the Rockets last season. Sources say he may be packaged in a deal with a minor leaguer, but no one knows who in the front office is actually initiating this deal.
Artist Ser Sowanga has been asked to design Gate A, Reed Field’s main gate behind home plate.
Travel Journal: Palestine
By Jack Reed, Rakeville Rockets Director of Baseball Operations
Green is not my color, but I wore it to fit in among all the Hamas supporters. “Horray, Hooray,” I said, then slinked down an alley away from the festivities.
Israel has a thriving baseball community, but that wasn’t my goal today. I was given a tip that there were three boys, lackeys for Hamas, who were the fastest in the country. They said that some day, these three could stand on the podium together at the Olympics. Now I have to find out if they can translate that speed into baseball.
I caught up with them outside a market, where they were racing camels for money. Surprisingly, they won every time. I approached the first one.
“Hey there buddy, can you throw a ball.”
“Sure,” he said, and then threw it like a sissy with his left hand.
“Why don’t you try it with your right?” I asked.
“I can’t. I blew off my right hand building a bomb.” He showed me his stub.
I sighed and went to the next kid, just finishing up a lucrative race against two camels and a basset hound.
“Can you throw a ball?”
“Sure,” he said. He grabbed the ball and threw it on a line, right over a set of buildings. “Where’d it go?” he asked.
“You threw it into the next street.”
“Damn,” he replied, taking off his sunglasses. “A parrot gauged out my eyes a few months ago. I can’t see a thing.”
My last home was the boy, a bit plumper than the others. Just as I got to him, his watch started beeping.
“I’ll be right back, Mr. Reed. I need to go take care of something.” With that, the oddly plump boy with wires hanging from his jacket darted across the street into a crowded Jewish market. No one survived.
Blackstone Tech Romps over Marc High
“Just like I predicted,” said Coach Jones of Marc High School. “We suck.” … Read more
As Blizzard Bears Down, Golfer Still On Par
Even with the violent winds and high snow fall in the Rakeville area, Golfer Mils Oates hasn’t halted his quest to pee in every porto-potty in the region… Read more
The Rakeville Times Sports Staff has been rumored to be present during every Rakeville Rockets trade negotiation this off-season. It is against EHCC policy to have media present during trade talks, but when officials were asked what they planned to do, they merely replied, "Meh."
