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My Notebook: A year in Review
The ups, downs, and oddities of 2005
By Listen DePleyohs / Baseball Tri-Weekly
Little things define a season. We will always remember the champions and the losers, but what about the people that get us through the year?
I try to document these people. Players who are often overlooked, officials who are not official enough to have names, and teams that may not make the playoffs all have stories too.
-- A source is telling Baseball Tri-weekly that Ellis Burks has quietly become the commissioner of the EHCC. The coup was non-violent, and the plan is for him to be the figure head of the league, with the power still residing with the league president and inner-council.
-- Bizton officials confirmed they were recently fined for selling beer to minors and the city licensing committee will review the ballpark concessions later this week. This in no way affects the sale of gin and juice.
-- In a recent marketing event, Rick Santorim from Jersi Valley, CO, beat out 430 other fans during a pushup contest, including Albert Pujols and Jason Giambi, who made surprise appearances. Santorim, a long time Haverhill fan, made it point to “Baahhhh” Pujols as he carried off the trophy.
-- Tijuana ground crews have been put to the test this season, as the heat on the southern coast of Mexico has scorched the Hispanics outfield. With artificial turf out of the question for this season, officials have begun importing sod from Yacatan. Until it arrives, there will be some dirty Mexicans in the stadium.
-- Green fees at the Bizton country club have gotten so outrageous that some players are considering building a course of their own. The consortium includes Adrian Beltre, Barry Zito, Mike Hampton and B. Kiddy, a high profile rapper who calls Bizton home. The project is in the planning stages now, but players are expecting it to be located west of Route 221 and open in late 2007.
-- For the first time in years, Vermont's tourism sector has been overloaded. Apparently, with six minor league picks from Tokyo heading to the Militiamen, hotels are full.
-- During the minor league draft, Bizton's General Manager, Biz Markie, was absent. Said later, he was "banging some ho's."
-- As a result of all the trading, a survey asked fans which GM was most likely to trade their soul to the Devil. Las Vegas's Howe Dogg won, earning 67 percent of the vote.
-- In an effort to excite Bizton about their current playoff push, the Markies have been selling giant foam fingers with “Border Patrol” on them. The phrase suggests they are going to shoot down Tijuana.
-- Only 5.5 games out of sixth place, Golden has redoubled its efforts to become a playoff team. Some speculate management has offered free taps in each player’s home if the Gryphons can make the postseason.
-- Splits show that Bizton third baseman Adrian Beltre hits better at home. His wife confirmed this in Bizton Federal court on Thursday.
-- The Rockets are close to finalizing their mascot. Designers have been torn because, while the mascot looks similar to the team logo, it also looks like a giant penis. “Coloring will be very important,” said designer Raul Treed.
-- Mike Tyson’s loss to Kevin McBride only accelerates Plymouth’s attempts to sign the former Heavyweight champion. Said manager Hunchback, “I see him as an excellent setup guy. We know he can’t finish or go long anymore, so middle relief is perfect for him.” Tyson is expected to be Plymouth’s 1st round pick in the minor league draft.
-- After two years on the Free Agent list, Chan Ho Park has found a home in Golden. “This is a wonderful moment. I love pitching almost as much as I love being injured and getting paid a lot of money,” said Park, according to some guy on his couch in Colorado who was pretending to translate.
-- Ticket sales in Tokyo have been so low, EHCC officials are worried the team may not be financially able to compete next season. To increase revenue, the Oih Oihs have begun dressing the players in school girl outfits. No word on who came up with this brilliant idea.
-- To combat the success of the Brockton Rox in the Can-Am league, the Bridgewater Weasels have been wooing Oil Can Boyd to leave the regional rival and join the EHCC. A team insider pointed out that he wouldn't even be the oldest player on the roster.
-- Bizton's Adrian Beltre was arrested last week for failure to pay child support, as was Weymouth's Carl Pavano. Both claim the children are not theirs and plan on taking their fight all the way to the Maury show.
-- Trade talks involving Weymouth and Tokyo have broken down over a report that Ichiro doesn’t want to return to his native country. Apparently, Girls Gone Wild doesn’t ship overseas.
-- Joey Gathright, recently cut by Las Vegas, filed an appeal with the EHCC main office, claiming that the Doggs trainer tried to sell him apples. “No apples in the clubhouse!” he shouted.
-- Bells Relief pitcher Juan Rincon was suspended for his use of performance enhancing drugs. Sadly, he is still in the Plymouth lineup and is expected to contribute 10 strikeouts this week.
Vote for your favorite note by posting a message on the EHCC board.
Listen DePleyohs writes a column for Baseball Tri-Weekly. During the offseason, he spends most of his time shooting people in foreign countries.
