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Swingers Can't Get It Up
Haverhill's future doesn't look too bright
By Sisu Nudder / Finnish Daily Review
"We all knew that what we were doing was wrong but it felt so right," was all Raffi Palmeiro could muster out in a recent interview last week in Haverhill. The Swingers have watched in shock as their two best pitchers and two best hitters have landed on the DL and all signs point to the miracle pill introduced to the team by their veteran first basemen.
Coco Crisp, also on the DL, defensively pushed away accusations that he too knowingly took part in the erectile dysfunction ring. "First my agent tells me that Cocoa Crispies aren't named after me and I won't be receiving an endorsement check and now this" Coco said yesterday afternoon. When asked about why he and Barry Bonds were seen eating together on Sunday morning with prescription bottles Coco could only remark, "I was told it was part of a balanced breakfast."Last night as the swingers took the field against league leading Shaddupu they looked limp and unable to keep it up much longer despite a valiant effort. "Early in the season we would come with it too quickly, starting off great but unable to finish strong during the week, now we can't even get our bat's going from the outset" manager M. Germain remarked when questioned about his team's dreadful performance.
Germain's job hangs in the balance and his team does not have the get up and go or the stamina. Rumors have circulated the bench coach Che Guevara is likely to overthrow him in the coming weeks, "We can only be held back so long" Che said in response to this story. As for strategies to turn the team around, it is known that Germain has been in close contact with the Sioux City Molasses Knights, with the hopes of calling up Ricky Henderson. They've also called upon world renowned scientist Daniel Savukoski to figure out the likelihood of reassembling and rejuvenating the late Teddy Ballgame.
Desperation is a sad song...
Sisu Nudder is a subscriber to the Finnish Daily Review. Over the weekend, he broke into the building and snuck this story into Tuesday's issue without anybody realizing it.
